Oh no you didn't...

Dear Starbucks,

Please register my complaints.

I am distraught, as a loyal customer, at the recent corporate trend to hire circus performers as cashier/order takers at your fine establishment. Apparently, gone are the days when Starbucks was populated by PhD candidates and unemployed librarians, both in-front and behind the counter. Back in those days, I could tolerate the belittling because, at least, my order was correctly filled. Today, instead of being insulted because I did not pronounce my drink order correctly now I am greeted with a “boy you best know what you want b‘for you get up in my mo’ fo’ line” etc… My how things have changed. Starbucks was once a welcome oasis for my overdeveloped sense of elitism, now I often feel more at home in a McDonald’s washroom with my trusted friend Bob, the resident hobo in stall #2.

I retain faith in all things exemplified by Starbuck’s corporate greed. Therefore I would like to offer some healthy and friendly criticism.

When I specifically ask for a Grande coffee, filled ¾ full with coffee and ¼ filled with soy milk, I AM NOT KIDDING. I can do the math. I want a lot of soy milk and not as much coffee. Maybe there is a method to my madness. Maybe I want to cut down the biting bitter goodness of the coffee with a little extra protein and Omega 3’s. In any event, it is not for you to choose how I should have my coffee OR to ignore my request all together – especially after I paid an extra 40 cents (I expect to get my money worth).

While taking my order for said coffee, please don’t wait till after you take my money to tell me it will be a five to ten minute wait because you just started brewin’. This is compounded in retrospect when I remember that while you were taking my order a coworker whispered something into your ear – and in immediate response you look back at the coffee machine. This makes me think there is a conspiracy against me and my coffee addition (which you have facilitated). Addicts do not take kindly to unwanted intrusion.

Lastly, can you bring back the iced gingerbread man cookies all year? They’re wicked sweet.

I’m out.